Friday, April 2, 2010

Lessons from the Grocery Cart

I have been grocery shopping. I went at 5:30 pm.

I can feel your sympathy.

But it wasn't all for naught. Listen, O Grasshopper. Learn my lessons.

Lesson 1: If you go to the grocery store and you haven't brushed your hair or put on make-up and you are wearing a shirt with a peace sign and enough cat hair to create a new kitten, HE will also be shopping. And he will see you--unless you are quick enough to duck behind the display of Froot Loops in time. Note: You will look stalkerish if someone sees you doing that, so dart with care. Oh, try not to knock the display over either.

Lesson 2: If you should happen to be standing in front of the toilet paper, trying to remember if your family loves Charmin and hates Northern, or if it's the other way round, avoid having a conversation with yourself about it because you never know who's right behind you. I barely escaped that last week. I don't *think* he heard me. I actually one time got caught standing in front of the tea and talking to it. Not loudly, mind you. I was simply wondering which ones were black tea, because I don't understand things like green tea and herbal tea, which are not teas at all in my mind--they're brewed lawn clippings. But I turned around and the Most Gorgeous Man I have ever seen was watching me, smiling. Why didn't I strike up a conversation? Well, see Lesson 1.

Lesson 3: No matter how many times you go to the store, no matter how many stores you go to, no matter how many times you have it on a list, no matter how many times you check that list, you will forget the item you came for. I am typing this in very faint light. I might have forgotten light bulbs.

Lesson 4: The shopping crowd at 5:30 pm on a holiday weekend is made of People With Missions. Do not mess with them. Nobody goes to the grocery store at 5:30 any night, especially a holiday weekend night, because they want to see if Dr. Pepper just happens to have a new flavor. No, they're there because they have A Mission. They have no choice. They've been working all day and they're tacking this onto the end of the day. Or they're making dinner and realize they're fresh out of cardamom. Or a tiny little somebody in the family is freaking out because there is NO MILK and how can we possibly eat without MILK?

This last lesson is quite important. I saw it in action this evening. Imagine, if you will....

A middle-aged woman is striding toward the grocery store with her Mission clearly in mind. She is walking so purposely that she looks like the QE II parting the waters. A driver cuts a bit too closely to her, and she says, without moving her eyes or breaking her pace:

"That was a stop sign, you a$$."

He says something to her and she replies, still looking straight ahead and gliding through the parking lot:

"Back at ya."

I wanted to ask for her autograph, I was so impressed, but she sailed into the store, ready to tackle her Mission.

Thus endeth today's lesson. Learn well, Grasshopper.






6 comments:

Julie Jarnagin said...

Ha! So true. Last time, I forgot chicken for the casserole I was making.

sandi said...

"I don't understand things like green tea and herbal tea, which are not teas at all in my mind--they're brewed lawn clippings."

that and suspiciously like lemon Pledge.

Amen sister!

楊偉誠 said...
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Janet Spaeth said...

Julie, I'm so glad someone else does this stuff besides me!

Sandi, isn't that the truth? Herbal/green = Not my cup of tea, LOL!

Janet Spaeth said...
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Janet Spaeth said...
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